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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Get Me Some Scalps (every edition)

Let me try to keep this really simple. Newspaper readers like it best when the paper rakes a lotta muck and serves its readers plenty of fresh, bloody scalps. Is that really a secret to anyone?? Then why have the newspapers stopped serving me scalps everyday with my daily paper?

It's a simple formula (or business model as they like to call it in Harvard Business School) ...give me, the faithful reader, some scalps and I will buy AND read your paper on a regular basis. Yes, I mean the scalps of people like Abramoff, The Hammer, Senator Vince, Fast Eddie, Ricky the Councilman, Slam Dunk Tenet, corporate pension looters, union goons who loot the taxpayers with fat pension demands, the (ostensible) charity bigwigs who spend less than 10% of every dollar they have (like the PU Foundation), the football team owners who could have spent maybe $1 Million after the Superbowl on a bone for T.O. and thus avoided this fiasco of a season, the bigshots at the electric company and SEPTA and Blue Cross who authorized wasting millions on TV ads, the local weather news idiots who think we are scared to leave the house without their forecast, cops who don't ticket enough nimrods who chat on cell phones while driving like imbeciles, politicians who have been in office for years yet have never seen the Friday rush-hour bottlenecks, and school boards and editorial writers who think all the schools need is just s little more money, amd lastly people who think everyone can be saved and have the same identical opportunity-filled and boring life and eliminate the grisly world which produces all the storylines for our beloved cop shows (now, that is a scary Law & Order on TV).

Yes, that is all I want from my newspaper. Am I asking for too much?

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